Angel of death, come take me away
Remove the sorrow and emptiness surrounding me
Release the pain, erase the tears, destroy the heartache
Let your sweet black nothingness be all I see

Oh Sweet Girl, why do you think it’s your time
You are yet so young, with life in front of you
What will those around you think
When you have decided to pass on through?

Oh Death, Those  around me are soulless and cruel
Their hearts are empty, mouths spewing hatred
They hide the evil they contain with a smile and lies
Always reveling in the horror you have tasted.

Sweet Girl, put those pills away
Come over here and let me hold you for a moment
Take comfort that not all is lost, not all are as they seem
Tell me again, why it is that you are so broken

Death, there is so much emptiness within.
When I slowly remove that with some with love and joy,
There are those that wrench it away from me,
Laughing all the while, like my life is just a toy.

Sweet Girl, put the alcohol down,
Take hold of this hand of mine and rest your head
Letting me kiss your painful tears away
And please finish telling me all that has yet to be said

My Angel of Death, this one told me he was an angel
He said he loved me and I was his one.
I didn’t see the evil he possessed, he didn’t hear my NO
Now that my innocence is gone, his cruelty done.

Sweet Baby Girl, can you please put that razor down
Look me in the eyes, tell me again why
Why do you seek to end it all this way
Are you going to give up and not even try?

Kind Death, Another one told me I was his World
That we were going to be Heaven on Earth
What he showed me was hell with a fist
To all who could see, I was nothing of worth.

Sweetness, can’t you see, that there is hope.
Step out of that water and listen to this.
You still have life left in you and years to go
It might not look like it but soon there’s bliss.

Death that’s what I’m asking for now, sweet bliss
Give me what I seek, for nothing else has proven true
Love and hope have failed, people prove false to their words.
Faith is worthless, and ending this is my way to get through.

Oh Little one, What lies you have been told.
For what I see is one so strong from trials you face
A beacon of hope for those struggling as well
You have been living and surviving with so much grace.

Death, I do not see this grace and strength
Pain, darkness, hurt, betrayal, and anguish are what I know
Where do you see this survivor, this one full of hope
For here all I see is hopelessness, loss, and nothing left but woe?

Sweetest Baby Girl, You have survived and battled on
You can still be here, showing them how wrong they are
Fights and battles, you’ve made it through them all,
You haven’t lost yet, though you carry some scars.

Death, why do you care so much for one wanting to die
One ready to surrender all that they are to you
I’m seeking a way out, to finally be at peace,
And you’re turning me away, have I no true value?

Sweet Little One, sorry to deceive you, but Death I am not
You overflow with love, a soul so sweet it’s hard to find
A warrior’s spirit you have, strength abounding within you
Death does not deserve you, for he would be so unkind.

Sweet One, you have life and love to experience still
There will be heartache and pains, failures and losses along with lows,
Scars and bruises, but you will win love, hope, and faith.
You are the author of this story, now show me how it goes.



shatter copy

Your love is a dirty little drug
Seeping, flowing through my veins
Leaving me frozen and numb
To feel none of the pains

It was one of those times that I thought I had met my one. The match. The person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. No, I wasn’t in the bloom of first crush, I was passed that. I already had a broken engagement behind me. I thought I knew what I was getting into. I thought this was going to be it.

He was kind and sweet, as well as interested in me out of all the other girls, or should I say women. He would single me out to talk to. He asked for my number. I said yes without hesitation, and thus handed it over. He called me later that day. After talking he sent me goodnight text. My heart was sold that this was a good guy. This one cares, he’s different. I can see this going far.

We would talk every day to every other day. Getting to know each other. Our pasts, what’s going on now, and what we hope to accomplish later. The habits and likes of each other. What talents the others had, and what they lacked in that the other excelled in. Learning from him what it’s like living in a different country and then moving here. Religion. Wishing each other a good night and hope that the day was good or will be good to them.

Things looked good. Things felt amazing. He was ok with the fact that I was raped and was pregnant, even though I lost the baby, which is something I had not told my ex fiance as I was in a state of denial until the past few years. I was shocked that was ok with this because here’s a kicker, he’s Iraqi. Goes against their cultural beliefs of purity with women or something like that (yes, I’m not always politically correct, but this is what I think/thought at the time).

You made me feel alive
To forget the fear raging inside
Covering my world in shadows
Urging me to run and hide

It wasn’t hard to move into a relationship. It just happened without us noticing, or at least without myself noticing. He would stop by where I was working to say and then wait until I was done working to say goodnight and see me to my car. One night I left work to find flowers and a card on my windshield. My manager said it was creepy, I thought it was sweet. I should have listed to the manager, but I was in love and wouldn’t realize until later he was right.

He told me once that he wanted to see me jealous, so he checks out other girls, talks to them. Then he would tell me how they all look at him as he is walking down the street, but all he wanted was me. I didn’t think any of this at the time, as he told me jealousy showed him that I liked him, and like him I did. He filled that hole that was left of being unloved, unwanted. I felt protected, wanted, cared for, loved.

Then things gradually changed, and I didn’t see this happening.

I remember I was growing my hair out from a pixie cut, so when I met him I had my hair just about chin length, maybe a little longer. He said he liked long hair, he liked seeing  me growing my hair and seeing me with long hair and hoped that I would never cut it.

It was normal to let him know where I was and who I was with. If he didn’t like the person, he’d tell me to either not go, or to leave and go home. If I didn’t tell him where I was or whom I was with, I was lying and cheating on him. I was no longer allowed to have guy friends. He didn’t have issues with it before, but now, I was cheating on him with all of them. I liked them more than I liked him. He had to approve my friends. Even being with family members or people I’ve known since I was little, became an issue to him.

I remember when I went on vacation with my family. Things started to get weird. He wanted to know what I was doing almost constantly, and if I didn’t respond, he would get irritated and upset, saying I was cheating on him. Yes, I’m cheating on you with my family. It started to bother me. I started thinking he was trying to be controlling. I told him this, and he told me it’s only because he worried about me. He knew about my past, and was ok with it, and said he worried though that it would happen again. I accepted this and put it behind us. He cares and worries about me, that’s not a bad thing at all I would think.

Holding on to my dark addiction
Obsession that overrides sanity
I need the love you hurt me with
I crave the desire that tortures me

Then I was being pressured about sex. (This is harder to talk about for me, so I am briefly covering it.) I was brought up religious, still have religious values and thoughts, just not a part of the religion right now, so to me, sex before marriage was a no no. That’s how I felt. I was a virgin when I was raped and I wasn’t giving what I still considered virginity (as it was taken from me, not given before) to just anyone even if they were a boyfriend. I didn’t have sex with the fiance, I’m not having sex with this one either unless I’m married. It’s how I felt. Not how he felt. Constant pressure, constant reasons why I should. It will show how much I love him, it will make our relationship stronger, he won’t love me if I don’t. There are other girls out there that would in a heartbeat.The arguments and reasons kept coming. He would try to force me, and eventually he won. I couldn’t take it anymore.

I felt god awful and dirty afterwards. There was a feeling of guiltiness and worthlessness that took over. I felt used and cheap. Almost like I was going through the rape again.

I’m done. I cannot take this anymore. I needed to get out.

I told him I’m done. I told him that this is it, I can’t do it anymore. I heard a bunch of accusations against me. I’m cheating on him, I’m not good enough for him anyways, there are better girls out there, and on and on. I said that’s fine. I’m done.

Then the apologies came. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, you just turn me on when you’re around me. I love being with you. I won’t do it again. After several days of it, I believed it. I forgave him. I went back. He said that he wouldn’t do it again. I believed him.

Things were fine for a while, but after a couple of weeks, it started again. He was controlling. I wasn’t allowed to speak or do anything unless he was with me. If he wasn’t with me, he would call or text and check on me, and I better answer or accusations were flying in my direction. My life became a constant. Work, Home, Him. I did nothing else. I wasn’t allowed. If I did, I was cheating. If I wasn’t were I was suppose to be at a certain time, I was lying and cheating. I had to text when I would leave work, and text when I was home from work. Nothing else was allowed.

I was in prison. A prison I allowed to be created.

I am now a patchwork quilt
Just pieces of torn fabric
Emotions stitched together
With ragged melancholy seams

He had told me that he could have any girl he wanted, but he chose me. That use to make me feel like special, made me feel as if he saw me and wanted me, then it became a threat. A threat that I was replaceable. He would replace me in a heartbeat if I didn’t listen to him, didn’t obey him, didn’t worship him. I went from being someone I thought was cherished, to being an object, almost as if I was a pet that was suppose to adore him, or be punished if I did not.

Then one day there was a discussion that tipped me over the edge. He told me he wanted to marry me, but there were conditions. I wasn’t to tell anyone about the rape, I needed to stop taking depression medications, and I needed to have surgery to become a virgin again. He wanted me to have surgery to repair my hymen so it could be broken again. The last time it was broken, was when that ass stole my virginity with rape. Now that I was overcoming all the problems I held within that whole time, he wants me to cover it back up, and then to take me off of the medications that were keeping me sane enough to not want to kill myself again. Where did this monster come from?

I told him no, that nothing was worth hiding a part of pass and trying to put a bandage on it, pretending nothing happened. He told me I didn’t love him then, had no respect for him. No, I guess I do not then, since I’ve only given in to your every whim and let you dictate my life for the time you’ve known me. I told him it was over and walked away.

I was allowed peace for a short period of time. Then the phone would start ringing in the middle of the night. 2, 3, 4 in the morning trying to get me to talk to him. He’d leave voicemails and texts saying he was sorry and he loved me. I would try to ignore them, erase them as they would come in. He didn’t give up. It was as if I’d acquired a stalker now on top of everything else he put me through. I continued to ignore him, not telling anyone about this. When he kept getting persistent, calling at all hours and texting nonstop, I remember what he said about my hair, that if I cut it we were done for good. I made an appointment the next day and got myself a cute little bob. Goodbye hair.

The next time he saw me, a few days later at church, he stalked over to me, asked what the hell did I do, and then walked away. I haven’t heard back from him again.

All I wanted was to be loved, and it seems it will forever be out of reach.

With your skin like Iron and mine like Glass
Saying you love me and want to set me free
Reaching ever closer and closer
you lean in and shatter me

It Isn’t All Physical

DISCLAIMER: I apologize for the blocks of text, but this is something I have been wanting to say.

Something that I don’t mention often is abuse, and more specifically, Psychological (mental, emotional, verbal) Abuse. It’s much harder to spot than physical abuse, but just as, if not more, destructive. Just think, there are no marks to look for, as it’s all internal, mentally and emotionally leaving bruises and scars.

It’s hard to admit when you’re in this type of situation. I admit I was raped, and that’s a type of abuse, sexual abuse, yet do you know how long it takes to admit I was in an abusive relationship? To give you an idea, I have only start to come to terms with it, and that’s only because of therapy and an outside perspective.

psychological abuse

Emotional abuse, mental abuse A form of mistreatment in which there is intent to causemental or emotional pain or injury; PA includes verbal aggression, statements intended to humiliate or infantilize, insults, threats of abandonment or institutionalization; PA results in stress, social withdrawal, long-term or recalcitrant depression, anxiety – McGraw-Hill Concise Dictionary of Modern Medicine. © 2002

Psychological abuse is also referred to as emotional and mental abuses. It targets and works in a few different ways and they all seem subtle. I personally feel that it is worse than physical abuse because it affects us mentally, making us undermine and change how we view ourselves. It can happen in all aspects of life, whether it’s from family members, work mates, romantic partners, or in the case of some, school mates. So how can you start to recognize it?

Let’s break it down into some groups of the forms that this type of abuse can take.

Intimidation and Degradation
Just imagine everything that makes up who you are, your core values and your personality traits. Makes you feel good knowing who you are doesn’t it? Now, take that, and imagine if you were constantly ridiculed, belittled, or put down about whats you who you are. You are starting to question if you’re good enough aren’t you? Suddenly everything that happens to you is a joke, and if you react negatively to it, you are too sensitive. Nothing about you is good enough, your thoughts an opinions mean nothing and are wrong. Now imagine that not only does this happen privately, but more so in front of others. Feeling really great now aren’t you? Remember though, this may seem  negative now, but this will just build character and make you stronger. They are only telling you that your fat because they want you to feel better and get healthy.

Passive Aggressive Behavior of Emotional Support and Nurturance
This one is a little hard to describe for me, so bare with me here as this one is one of the most subtle tactics, therefore one of the most damaging I believe. Imagine you are having a normal heated couple’s argument. In the middle of it, out of nowhere, your partner yells how their mother was snubbed the last time at a gathering, and how no one is allowed to treat their mother like that, it’s unacceptable. Random, out of the blue as it had nothing to do with what you were arguing over. Suddenly you start thinking about that, what does it have to do with this? Then it moves to, Oh god, it must have been me. That leads you to think that this must be why your partner is mad. It is your fault, this whole mess was brought upon because of you. Partner’s anger is a result of your behavior. However then your partner is telling you that they understand it’s hard for you to be polite, after all, they grew up in a loving environment, but you, you are damaged, however they love you. How could any of this be from hate, they love you, they’re understanding.  (TBH, I don’t have much experience that I remember with this one, so harder for me to descibe.)

Isolation and Restricting
I think this one and the follow one are easy to recognize and go almost hand in hand. This is pretty easy to imagine. Every time you want to go to the store or just out for a walk, they are with you. They’re screening your phone calls, or not even letting you talk to friends and family any more. The extent of how and when you go outside is limited to whether or not they are with you. And if they’re not with you, you’re not going out. Pretty simple, but there are undermining ways to do this. “I’m making sure that no one bothers you and that you’re safe.” “Why can’t you do that at home, I miss you when you’re gone and it’s less time that we spend together.” “We can do that together as a couple’s bonding thing.” Yeah, I’ve heard all of that before.

Control or Domination
No, not the kinky kind you weirdo. I’m referring to the most obvious tactic that is used, controlling/dominating. You can see this usually within 4 areas, decision making, relationships, activities, and self-image. I feel that this one, and isolation go hand in hand. Think about it for a minute. In decision making, you are not longer allowed to make the decisions because you just make bad ones anyways, your opinions don’t matter. And what you are doing and with whom, well that’s already been decided, you’re not allowed to choose. This weekend you are going to be with your partners friends at the baseball game you didn’t want to go to. You wanted to go to your friend’s house and see their new baby. Nope, not allowed, after all, they were just at the hospital and might have something, and you know you don’t want to get sick. Besides, they really are a bad influence on you and don’t bring out your best side. (See how much they care about you? Keeping you so safe from the bad influences and environments your friends create, as well as making sure you’re not sick for work later.) You know that movie you and your friends wanted to see, that’s not a great idea. It’s late at night, and the subject of that movie is not what you should be viewing anyways. They make it seem like they can conquer the world, and yet you cannot handle one little issue. They’ll build you up, and then tear you right back down. a77fc699b08f4388ef1e5a67855bbd95

These are just some of the forms, and ways you can see psychological abuse taking place. They’re just guidelines from experience and what was provided to me from my therapists. I think the one thing to take away, be aware. This happens, and it’s manipulating. After looking back over this, I was abused my entire life, by my sister. She is the master manipulator, the queen of putting others down, and trying to control you, and I did not stand a chance. No wonder my self esteem is non existent. I mean honestly, since almost the day I was born, I have been in the way, cannot do anything right, destroy any vacation, and no one wants to be around me. She was worse than the boyfriend that was being an abuser. She makes him look like a saint.

Below is a list of things to look at if you think yourself, or someone you know, is in a psychologically abusive relationship.

  • Humiliation, degradation, discounting, negating. judging, criticizing:
    Does anyone make fun of you or put you down in front of others?
    Do they tease you, use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you?
    When you complain do they say that “it was just a joke” and that you are too sensitive?
    Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings are “wrong?”
    Does anyone regularly ridicule, dismiss, disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?
  • Domination, control, and shame:
    Do you feel that the person treats you like a child?
    Do they constantly correct or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate?”
    Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even small decisions?
    Do they control your spending?
    Do they treat you as though you are inferior to them?
    Do they make you feel as though they are always right?
    Do they remind you of your shortcomings?
    Do they belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, your plans or even who you are?
    Do they give disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior?
  • Accusing and blaming, trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations, denies own shortcomings:
    Do they accuse you of something contrived in their own minds when you know it isn’t true?
    Are they unable to laugh at themselves?
    Are they extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of them or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
    Do they have trouble apologizing?
    Do they make excuses for their behavior or tend to blame others or circumstances for their mistakes?
    Do they call you names or label you?
    Do they blame you for their problems or unhappiness?
    Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?
  • Emotional distancing and the “silent treatment,” isolation, emotional abandonment or neglect:
    Do they use pouting, withdrawal or withholding attention or affection?
    Do they not want to meet the basic needs or use neglect or abandonment as punishment?
    Do they play the victim to deflect blame onto you instead of taking responsibility for their actions and attitudes?
    Do they not notice or care how you feel?
    Do they not show empathy or ask questions to gather information?
  • Codependence and enmeshment:
    Does anyone treat you not as a separate person but instead as an extension of themselves?
    Do they not protect your personal boundaries and share information that you have not approved?
    Do they disrespect your requests and do what they think is best for you?
    Do they require continual contact and haven’t developed a healthy support network among their own peers?

There are both short and long term effects that result from Psychological abuse:

Short Term

  • Surprise and confusion
  • Questioning of one’s own memory, “did that really happen?”
  • Anxiety or fear; hypervigilence
  • Shame or guilt
  • Aggression (as a defense to the abuse)
  • Becoming overly passive or compliant
  • Frequent crying
  • Avoidance of eye contact
  • Feeling powerless and defeated as nothing you do ever seems to be right (learned helplessness)
  • Feeling like you’re “walking on eggshells”
  • Feeling manipulated, used and controlled
  • Feeling undesirable

Long Term

  • Depression
  • Withdrawal
  • Low self-esteem and self-worth
  • Emotional instability
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Physical pain without cause
  • Suicidal ideation, thoughts or attempts
  • Extreme dependence on the abuser
  • Underachievement
  • Inability to trust
  • Feeling trapped and alone
  • Substance abuse

This is not a fun list at all, and can completely destroy someone. I strong capable man or woman can become a person that is barely existing. It can take years or a lifetime to overcome these problems if at all. So if you know someone that is going through this, just be there for them, and make sure that they know it’s not their fault, they’re not to blame. Help them be themselves, but for goodness sake, don’t belittle them, please.