Home » Abuse » Speechless

Speechless

**Rape/Assault Triggers Possible**

WeHeartIt - Broken Angel

WeHeartIt – Broken Angel

I’m in a state of shock. It doesn’t happen often, it’s rare. I’ve been through a lot, rape, abuse, miscarriage, having family turn away from me, having “friends” turn against me, so for me to be in shock over something is hard, but that’s where I am.

Would you like to know why?

This past weekend, I was assaulted. I don’t know how else to state it, except I was assaulted.

It’s probably partially  my fault. I invited this person over, allowed them into my home. I trusted this person. So there must be fault with me for this. Loneliness and feelings of abandonment can do wonders to a person. They let you invite demons and the devil into your life.

So the weekend before I destroyed me knee, which I’m still waiting to find out what’s wrong. Needless to say, it’s swollen to twice the size and the skin color is not right whilst I’m in more pain than usual, you know, that fibromyalgia thing I deal with as well. So I’m to stay off of it as much as possible. I’ve tried inviting people over, but I get turned down all of the time. Seems everyone wants you to go to them, or they’re just too busy. The people I talk to the most, don’t live anywhere close to me. So I’m on my own. I’m cooped up in my house or at work and see either coworkers or my pets. Depressing and lonely.

So this person who I hadn’t talked to in a while found out and offered to come visit. I said okay, because let’s face it, at this point anyone is better than no one. I’m talking to myself and sleeping nonstop if I’m not at work. I need human contact. So I said fine.

Do I need to go further? This were fine until he started to choke me and slap me, calling me a dirty slut and whore. I told him to stop, but he didn’t. I shut down. I didn’t know what else to do. I had to. I cannot go back to where I was before. I refuse to be that person again, but what else can I do? I just wanted him gone.

I tried to not think about it and keep going afterwards, but that night my collarbone was hurting a lot. My voice was hoarse, but I was already losing it, from screaming at a soccer match, so it wasn’t really noticeable. The bruises are covered easily by not wearing scooped neck shirts or tanks. Now how am I to deal with the PTSD that will resurface? How can I tell the guy that I currently like and want to know better, hey, guess what, I had sex with another guy, but a little bit into, he started abusing me. Sorry? Kinda fucked up isn’t it?

People are urging me to go to the police, but here’s the thing. I’m scared shitless, he said she said. I consented. I want to do the same I did for when I was raped, and forget this happened. I know I need to talk to someone, but guess what, I have no one here. The few I talk to, they wouldn’t want to most likely, or they would continue to ignore unless I’m there with them. Even then, they probably wouldn’t care. Being the only one you can rely on is never the best of situations, but it’s all I have to go on right now.

So I’m going to have to cry this out now, and then put on my tough exterior again. I need to keep going. Guess I learned my lesson though.

Advertisements

18 thoughts on “Speechless

  1. Hon…it’s not even “a little” your fault. Period. I know it’s hard to believe, but know that it’s true.

    I won’t be a broken record and say you should call the police, though that’s never a bad idea only because of the resources available through them, so I’ll ask instead: do you have EAP through your insurance? I really think you need to call them at the least.

    I’m around elsewhere if you need me or need help figuring out that option. It’s what I do for a living, so no problem trying to help.

    Love you ((hugs))

  2. Ugh. I’m so sorry. 😕
    As others have said, going to the police is still a good idea. I know the he said/ she said is terrifying, but even if all that comes of it is a report with the guys name, that is a step towards getting him from ever hurting anyone again.
    I know I’m not just down the street, but I am here for you.

  3. I’m sorry this happened to you. It is not your fault. I agree with telling the police. It will at least be put in a record and when (not if) he does it again he’s more likely to get in trouble. No one should have to go through this. Hugs

  4. Ra sent me a link to this post. I couldn’t reply as quickly as I wanted, but I can reply now.

    Not protesting is not the same as consent. I have lots more I could say about this, but the point is, not saying “no” because you are terrified of consequences is not the same thing as saying “yes.” Not nearly.

    Only you can decide if reporting it is right for you. It is a terrible, terrifying thing as full of people who don’t understand as who do. In its favor, though, is taking a step to say that what he did to you was wrong–it was–and not your fault, and also to potentially protect others down the road. I would encourage you to at least make a call and see what the next steps are before deciding which way to go. You might find support and compassion hard for you to imagine now.

    I have a few related posts I’ve written, but now does not seem the time for dropping links. So mostly, mostly what I want to say is: His being terrible does not mean you are not good.

    You deserve to be protected.

    • I am calling the rape center, but I just can’t bring myself today to do so. I’m trying so hard right now to be strong because I know if i break down, I’ll never get back together. There’s no one here to help me with that.

  5. I wish I’d seen this when you first posted it. I’m super sorry I’ve only just read it now. I’m holding you in prayers and mentally wrapping you in love, and have been for all these weeks anyway. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

    And yes, I too hope his pecker falls off.

  6. It is never ok for a man to force himself on you as long as you said no. I am so sorry you had to go through this, and so much more, but I am glad that you are fighting forward. My prayers go with you 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s