If I was to die tomorrow, would anyone notice? Would anyone care? Most likely they wouldn’t. I’ve learned that people who I had believed I meant something to, could not care any less than they already do about me, and probably would not try to care more.
Apparently it’s believed I am nothing more than an old, computer obsessed, comic referencing shirt wearer, cat lady, and am very boring. Apparently for some, drinking is the only way to be around me to have a good time. What about the person that says I’m their best “female” friend, and yet, as soon as someone who has an issue with me comes along, I’m dropped faster than you can say “Bye Felicia” being told that it’s probably best to not be around. I can tell that this friend cares deeply for me. I’ve noticed with a lot of people also, that I have to initiate any conversations. It’s tiring always having to be a person that reaches out, and never have anyone check in on you. It’s good to know that you are on people’s minds.
My pets, the ones that annoy people, and they believe that they’re all I talk about, are probably the only reason I have not attempted suicide a second time. They give me love, they make feel like someone cares about me, as no one else does. Each as come into my life when I’ve needed love the most, when I’ve felt the most unloved, they came into my life.
Lately, it’s impossible to not want to start harming, to not think of suicide again. I’m alone. I really am. I invite people over, I’m rejected. I get into relationships, that self destruct, they check out or talk behind my back about me. I have people that say they’re friends that drop me the moment they think someone better comes along, however they think I’ll still be there for them later. Well, I’m tired of always being put in the fucking corner by everyone. I am tired of being fucking ignored and wasting my time with people.
Maybe I just need to start saying Bye Felicia to myself.