If I was to die tomorrow, would anyone notice? Would anyone care? Most likely they wouldn’t. I’ve learned that people who I had believed I meant something to, could not care any less than they already do about me, and probably would not try to care more.

Apparently it’s believed I am nothing more than an old, computer obsessed, comic referencing shirt wearer, cat lady, and am very boring. Apparently for some, drinking is the only way to be around me to have a good time. What about the person that says I’m their best “female” friend, and yet, as soon as someone who has an issue with me comes along, I’m dropped faster than you can say “Bye Felicia” being told that it’s probably best to not be around. I can tell that this friend cares deeply for me. I’ve noticed with a lot of people also, that I have to initiate any conversations. It’s tiring always having to be a person that reaches out, and never have anyone check in on you. It’s good to know that you are on people’s minds.

My pets, the ones that annoy people, and they believe that they’re all I talk about, are probably the only reason I have not attempted suicide a second time. They give me love, they make feel like someone cares about me, as no one else does. Each as come into my life when I’ve needed love the most, when I’ve felt the most unloved, they came into my life.

Lately, it’s impossible to not want to start harming, to not think of suicide again. I’m alone. I really am. I invite people over, I’m rejected. I get into relationships, that self destruct, they check out or talk behind my back about me. I have people that say they’re friends that drop me the moment they think someone better comes along, however they think I’ll still be there for them later. Well, I’m tired of always being put in the fucking corner by everyone. I am tired of being fucking ignored and wasting my time with people.

Maybe I just need to start saying Bye Felicia to myself.

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5 thoughts on “

  1. “Like” because I read it. “Thud”, because I truly don’t know the right words to say.

    “You are loved” …because you are. By me, by many.

  2. Yes, my like is an empathy like, because we know what a hypocrite I can be when it comes to these feelings. We are our own worst enemy, depression lies, and all that…which, while true, I know don’t help right now.

    What Ra said…you are loved, more than you can ever realize. Being “an…computer obsessed, comic referencing shirt wearer, cat lady…” is what makes you so special. No, you aren’t old (though that’s relative, I’m older than you, so I will say that’s not a bad thing necessarily) and you are not boring unless it’s to someone who doesn’t appreciate animals, comics, and computers…which is their loss because that’s only the beginning to how wonderful you are (empathetic, giving, Pittsburgh sports fan, intuitive, poet) and what they will never have in their lives. Probably why they use alcohol as an excuse, sadly.

    I’m so sorry you are feeling this right now. I know I am no happy sunshiney person right now, but I am around if you need to vent or just be heard. ((hugs))

  3. PLEASE know you are loved, valued, and cared for on many levels, Alice, and you NEED to hang on until you find your muchness again!!!!!!!! People can be shits, and everyone has broken edges and faults… that is in no way to excuse bad behavior by “friends,” but understand that you are not the problem with the way they are, it is them. Take it from a 40something woman who is basically a cliche thanks to a cheating ex, circumstances beyond my own control, and my own lack of belief in myself. However, I am a work in progress, and found my own muchness again, and I believe with all my heart that you too can achieve anything your own heart desires! In light and respect and loving-kindness, I am sending peace and healing thoughts your way… take care of the precious being that you are, Alice…

  4. All the love, all the THUDs, all the ❤

    I would notice. I would miss your posts on here and on Facebook. There would be a notquitealice shaped hole in the world, and in my heart. I'm glad you've got your furbabies. I think humans can and should learn a lot from our animals about love.

    Love to you, and virtual hugs. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

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