Home » Abuse » 12 Years Later: An Open Letter to My Rapist

12 Years Later: An Open Letter to My Rapist

 

Mr Ironic for Sexual Assault Awareness Month
The Jerk That Destroyed Me
The Guy That Raped Me
My Rapist


To The Guy That Changed My Life,

Twelve years ago today, you possessed me, took me, and started an invasion that went into my  mind as well. Do you even remember me? Do you remember what you did to me

You took advantage of me. You drugged me and didn’t take no for an answer. There was no consent given, but that didn’t stop you. You raped me.

It was a week before my 21st birthday, and you destroyed the girl that I was then. Shattered her beyond repair.

Do you know that you were almost a father again? That’s right, you left a “gift” behind,  a constant reminder of what you had done. I found out on Mother’s Day. Ironic isn’t it? Ruined that holiday for me as all I had wanted was a family of my own, yet the only family I was going to have was the child of the guy that raped  me. It’s okay though, apparently fate took control as I had a miscarriage right after I had decided I had wanted to keep the baby. It was not that child’s fault.

I would scream and cry, wasting tears on you, while I was in the shower or had music up so loud so no one would hear. I felt dirty, used, worthless. I hurt beyond words and had no control. I shut down, becoming an emotional zombie, allowing no emotions to be felt.

When I wanted to feel something, on my own terms, I would cut, punch, scratch, or burn myself. If it hurt me, then I would do it. I had control that way.

I bet you didn’t know that I had made a New Year’s Resolution at the end of that year? I tried to commit suicide. TRIED. I was rather unsuccessful, obviously as I’m here writing this to you. I didn’t want to be in the darkness I had fallen so far into. I wanted the hold you had on me gone. The anger and hate, sadness and hopelessness, I wanted it all gone. I needed the memories and images gone, the flashbacks that wouldn’t end to disappear.

 

I never told anyone what happened to me. I was embarrassed that you had this control on me. I didn’t want to admit that I needed rescuing to anyone. I didn’t like that I was now a victim, helpless. I thought I was better than that. I could not bring myself to say “Save me, I need help.”

I did it though, despite you. I saved myself. I became a survivor, a fighter. I grew stronger and took control. I fought for my survival. I had to, as my only other choice was taken away from me, suicide. I sought help at the rape center. I learned that the only hold you had on me was the one I created in my mind.

I broke it.

I tore you away as if you were nothing, because that’s what you are. You are not worth a single thought. You don’t have control of me. You mean nothing to me.

How does it feel to have the tables turned? You treated me as if I was nothing, and now you are nothing.

You know, if it wasn’t for you, I would not be the person that I am today. I wouldn’t be strong. I would not be the fighter that I am, nor would I be able to love and accept myself, in turn letting myself love others. I now believe in myself. I kick ass now.

For that, I thank you, but I still hate and despise you, like the worthless fuck you are,
Your Former Victim
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23 thoughts on “12 Years Later: An Open Letter to My Rapist

  1. My mother was raped when I was about 5 or 6, very young, but I learned that night, and the weeks/months/years after, how rape can affect someone, and the people that live around them. My mom went to the police and and her rapist ended up in jail, but she never got help or talked to anyone. For as long as I can remember she had nightmares, and I’ve never forgotten her bruised and bloody face or the story of how she was raped though I only ever heard it that one night. Over the years, as she felt safer, she got better, thankfully.
    Then the unthinkable happened for her. She was notified that her rapist was out of jail a little over ten years ago now and she went through all of the emotions and nightmares again. It was horrible. But when I suggested she go, finally, to talk to a rape crisis counselor, she did and it was the best decision. She’s finally free, though I think she was always strong.
    I think you are brave to face what you did and survive. I think you are strong because you face adversity in your life and keep going, not giving in. And I think you are beautiful and kind and caring because that’s who you are. And no one can take that away from you.

  2. Pingback: 12 Years Later: An Open Letter to My Rapist - RAWrWords

  3. I think one of the problems with rape is that there is this crazy perception that rape=sex not rape=assault. The whole thing is scary because how can you know if you’d be believed, how can you know that the rapist will be jailed if you were wearing a short skirt or a low cut top, or had had a drink? The whole system is completely screwed up in all countries.

    I’m so glad that you are stronger as a result of the support you’ve got. You know I’ve always got your back, even if it’s only in prayer. Xxx

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