NOT YOURS

A nice piece I worked on with Hastywords. 🙂

HASTYWORDS

Lindsay sent me a verse over a week ago out of the blue and this happened.


woman-506120_1920NOT YOURS by Lindsay and Hastywords

Target Is who I am not
For your torment and abuse
Slander and Lies
Have sucked me dry

Every mirror reflects black
Since I let you into my head
Darkened by your moods
Dictated by all our feuds

I’m not an item to collect
Another heart for your wall
Leaving this empty hole
Where you tried to control

There are no strings attached
No worn buckles or leather straps
I am not just another cheap thrill
Nor a soul you can shred and kill

Not a careless afterthought
always your last resort
Always changing the story
to take all the glory

I am the resurrection in spite
The beauty your eyes can’t see
The purring lion you won’t hear
The beast you will not defeat


11027456_1650290698526906_6079889452800168201_nBIO:
Lindsay is…

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Memorial Service Details

Wishes and Prayers and lit candles on my end.

The Matticus Kingdom

Dave’s (Grayson Queen’s) service is going to be this coming Saturday (May 23, 2015) at the Corpus Christi Church in Corona, California at 10 AM PST.

http://www.corpuschristicorona.com/

3760 North McKinley Street
Corona, CA 92879-1956

Please help me spread the word again, so those who might be interested in attending have enough warning to make arrangements.  I’ll be there for sure…

And, an update on Rara’s address:

Radhika Jaini WF0124
CIW LA 249 LOW
16756 Chino-Corona Road
Corona, CA 92880

Keep the RawrLove letters headed her direction. Thank you.

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Golden Tarnished Apples

Like Golden Apples in Silver Settings so is a Word Spoken at the Right Time.  – Proverbs 25:11tarished

I remember hearing and reading that bible quote when I was little, but never really thinking twice about it. Until now that is. Never has became frequently lately.

As a child I lived in my own world, mine and my brother’s that we invented and shared. I didn’t feel lonely, I didn’t feel depressed, I didn’t need to know that people realized I existed. I had my brother after all, and we kept each other company. Being a year apart we did most things together and entertained each other. It was a funny competition like thing we had where we had to prove that what the other was doing, we could to. We looked out for each other, and while we picked on each other, no one was allowed to mess with the other. I knew I wasn’t the only person alive, I had my brother. He accepted that I was weird and goofy usually, and a little off from others, not as outspoken.

We were like this

We were like this

Then life happened and we grew more apart, went our separate ways. He had his plethora of friends, I had my very few amount. He got married, has a kid, his own family. I was raped, became pregnant, lost a child, became introverted, tried suicide, hurt myself. We went different routes as life normally does. I lost that constant companion, that person that affirmed that I wasn’t alone, that things was ok, the one person I told my troubles to. I lost my connection to people, that little bit that tied me to life.

He provided words to me. Words that reaffirmed that I was alive and not alone. Words of encouragement. The silly teasing that goes on between brother and sister. Standing against our sister together, her verbal abuse.

Then slowly the shadows consumed me, the darkness of my mind being all that I saw, misery and despair all I heard, nothing being what I felt, I was nothing.

I had to learn to survive on my own, and it was a beautiful disaster.

I bottled everything inside of me. I stayed in my shadows. I shared nothing, and pretended I was invisible. It must have worked because no one talked to me. No one asked how I was doing. No one cared. I started to drink whenever I could. I was hurting myself in multiple ways. No one seemed to think twice about it. No one questioned it. There were no words. Silence, if anything, pushed me further away from life.

darkness

I lived in a world of silence, darkness, emptiness; a vacuum. My life was nothing.

Then something happened. A friend I didn’t think was there anymore spoke to me. He asked me to get help. Someone noticed, and then spoke. It stuck with me. I did not act upon it right away. I had no light, no way to escape, but I would find it, because of those words, that request asking me to get help.

Eventually I got that help, saw a psychiatrist, actually a legion of them, as apparently I was a bit more twisted, broke, and lost than originally thought to be. My first psychiatrist sent me to group therapy when she saw some of my wounds and scars. My group wasn’t just about being in a group with others that were disturbed and wanted to find ways to end things, it was groups of psychiatrists and therapists. Eventually I learned ways to manage, to deal, to not hide in the shadowy darkness all of the time, though as those that suffer from mental illnesses know, there are relapses, ups and downs, as this roller coaster never ends that our brains are on. I still have issues. I still battle, still feel alone, helpless, and at times, I want to end it all. Other times I’m in an okay place where I can manage.

In those helpless times, it seems that I have someone watching out for me. When I need it the most, I will get a text, an IM, a Snapchat, or an email, some form of communication just asking how I am, or saying hi. I have a lifeline, a tether to the world reaching out to me. Something to connect me back to people. I didn’t ask, I didn’t hope for it, it was just there when I needed it. A treasure.

invisible

I try to hide everything and hold it in. It’s who I am, so when that small word, or something comes across to show that someone is thinking about me, it brings a little more of me to the picture. I start to fill in. I’m not invisible. I don’t have my brother the way I did before, and it still is the hardest thing to want to bring these types of things up to him, but I’m learning that there are others out there that lend those words and thoughts, those lights and lifelines and tethers I desperately need at times.

II try to be this tether to others. I love sitting down at a computer and writing. I open up friends list and see who is on and send messages out saying hi. I go through my contacts in my phone and send a good morning, how are you to people. I’ve had people do that to me when I’m at my lowest, or needing a word spoken, I hope I can do the same to others. I hope to provide golden apples, albeit a bit tarnished. I apologize for that.

kindWord

Sad News

My heart hurts.

The Matticus Kingdom

I have terrible news to share with the blogosphere today.

Horrible, no good, awful news.

Many of you knew him as Grayson Queen, author and artist extraordinaire.  Perhaps you’ve read one of his novels.  Perhaps you’ve purchased, or at least enjoyed, some of his paintings or sculptures…  Perhaps you knew that he was also Rara‘s husband, Dave.

I don’t have a lot of details, but I can confirm that Dave passed away earlier this week.

Please share this post wide and far.  Please say a prayer for Dave and Rara.  Please send her every ounce of spare energy you can muster.  She needs us.  Dave’s family and friends need us.

And send her mail to show her your love, your RawrLove:

Radhika Jaini WF0124
CIW LA 249 UP
16756 Chino-Corona Road
Corona, CA  92880

You don’t need to know what to say.  You don’t need to say anything…

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Anniversaries – Not Always Happy

So, I don’t usually bring this up at all, but it’s hitting me a bit hard this year. On this date 11 years ago (which happened to be Mother’s Day), I found out I was pregnant as a result of the rape. This year it’s like a punch in the stomach. And I know in a few weeks in July, it will be the anniversary of my miscarriage.

When I found out about the pregnancy, I admit, I was shocked and devastated. I now have a reminder of what had happened to me, and have it always there. I didn’t want that. I felt that  would not be able to care for this child without constant reminders. I didn’t tell my family, because then I’d have to tell them about the rape, not something I wanted to do.

It took a little bit of time, and I’m unsure why, but my mind changed. I accepted the fact that I was pregnant, as well as realized that it was not this baby’s fault. This baby that was starting to grow inside of me, was not who  hurt me and took away what was me. This could be a chance to make myself better, perhaps get over what had happened, or at least move past it. This could be my silver lining, after all, I was always wanting my own family and children.

Then the bottom dropped out again. At around 14 weeks pregnant, I lost the baby. My world fell apart again. After just realizing that I had a chance to find a bit of happiness and move on a little bit, it disappeared again. I had a bubble of sunshine, that was swallowed back up in the empty. It was after this that I had slipped into the deepest darkest depression that took forever to get out of. You know the one, where I was self harming, attempted suicide, cut myself off from anyone, so on and so on.

So for some reason this year, it’s hitting me hard. I’ve cried a few times this week and felt awful. If I’m feeling like this now, what’s it going to be like in a couple of weeks? I hope the dark doesn’t become too much.

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It Isn’t All Physical

DISCLAIMER: I apologize for the blocks of text, but this is something I have been wanting to say.

Something that I don’t mention often is abuse, and more specifically, Psychological (mental, emotional, verbal) Abuse. It’s much harder to spot than physical abuse, but just as, if not more, destructive. Just think, there are no marks to look for, as it’s all internal, mentally and emotionally leaving bruises and scars.
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It’s hard to admit when you’re in this type of situation. I admit I was raped, and that’s a type of abuse, sexual abuse, yet do you know how long it takes to admit I was in an abusive relationship? To give you an idea, I have only start to come to terms with it, and that’s only because of therapy and an outside perspective.

psychological abuse

Emotional abuse, mental abuse A form of mistreatment in which there is intent to causemental or emotional pain or injury; PA includes verbal aggression, statements intended to humiliate or infantilize, insults, threats of abandonment or institutionalization; PA results in stress, social withdrawal, long-term or recalcitrant depression, anxiety – McGraw-Hill Concise Dictionary of Modern Medicine. © 2002

Psychological abuse is also referred to as emotional and mental abuses. It targets and works in a few different ways and they all seem subtle. I personally feel that it is worse than physical abuse because it affects us mentally, making us undermine and change how we view ourselves. It can happen in all aspects of life, whether it’s from family members, work mates, romantic partners, or in the case of some, school mates. So how can you start to recognize it?

Let’s break it down into some groups of the forms that this type of abuse can take.

Intimidation and Degradation
Just imagine everything that makes up who you are, your core values and your personality traits. Makes you feel good knowing who you are doesn’t it? Now, take that, and imagine if you were constantly ridiculed, belittled, or put down about whats you who you are. You are starting to question if you’re good enough aren’t you? Suddenly everything that happens to you is a joke, and if you react negatively to it, you are too sensitive. Nothing about you is good enough, your thoughts an opinions mean nothing and are wrong. Now imagine that not only does this happen privately, but more so in front of others. Feeling really great now aren’t you? Remember though, this may seem  negative now, but this will just build character and make you stronger. They are only telling you that your fat because they want you to feel better and get healthy.
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Passive Aggressive Behavior of Emotional Support and Nurturance
This one is a little hard to describe for me, so bare with me here as this one is one of the most subtle tactics, therefore one of the most damaging I believe. Imagine you are having a normal heated couple’s argument. In the middle of it, out of nowhere, your partner yells how their mother was snubbed the last time at a gathering, and how no one is allowed to treat their mother like that, it’s unacceptable. Random, out of the blue as it had nothing to do with what you were arguing over. Suddenly you start thinking about that, what does it have to do with this? Then it moves to, Oh god, it must have been me. That leads you to think that this must be why your partner is mad. It is your fault, this whole mess was brought upon because of you. Partner’s anger is a result of your behavior. However then your partner is telling you that they understand it’s hard for you to be polite, after all, they grew up in a loving environment, but you, you are damaged, however they love you. How could any of this be from hate, they love you, they’re understanding.  (TBH, I don’t have much experience that I remember with this one, so harder for me to descibe.)

Isolation and Restricting
I think this one and the follow one are easy to recognize and go almost hand in hand. This is pretty easy to imagine. Every time you want to go to the store or just out for a walk, they are with you. They’re screening your phone calls, or not even letting you talk to friends and family any more. The extent of how and when you go outside is limited to whether or not they are with you. And if they’re not with you, you’re not going out. Pretty simple, but there are undermining ways to do this. “I’m making sure that no one bothers you and that you’re safe.” “Why can’t you do that at home, I miss you when you’re gone and it’s less time that we spend together.” “We can do that together as a couple’s bonding thing.” Yeah, I’ve heard all of that before.
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Control or Domination
No, not the kinky kind you weirdo. I’m referring to the most obvious tactic that is used, controlling/dominating. You can see this usually within 4 areas, decision making, relationships, activities, and self-image. I feel that this one, and isolation go hand in hand. Think about it for a minute. In decision making, you are not longer allowed to make the decisions because you just make bad ones anyways, your opinions don’t matter. And what you are doing and with whom, well that’s already been decided, you’re not allowed to choose. This weekend you are going to be with your partners friends at the baseball game you didn’t want to go to. You wanted to go to your friend’s house and see their new baby. Nope, not allowed, after all, they were just at the hospital and might have something, and you know you don’t want to get sick. Besides, they really are a bad influence on you and don’t bring out your best side. (See how much they care about you? Keeping you so safe from the bad influences and environments your friends create, as well as making sure you’re not sick for work later.) You know that movie you and your friends wanted to see, that’s not a great idea. It’s late at night, and the subject of that movie is not what you should be viewing anyways. They make it seem like they can conquer the world, and yet you cannot handle one little issue. They’ll build you up, and then tear you right back down. a77fc699b08f4388ef1e5a67855bbd95

These are just some of the forms, and ways you can see psychological abuse taking place. They’re just guidelines from experience and what was provided to me from my therapists. I think the one thing to take away, be aware. This happens, and it’s manipulating. After looking back over this, I was abused my entire life, by my sister. She is the master manipulator, the queen of putting others down, and trying to control you, and I did not stand a chance. No wonder my self esteem is non existent. I mean honestly, since almost the day I was born, I have been in the way, cannot do anything right, destroy any vacation, and no one wants to be around me. She was worse than the boyfriend that was being an abuser. She makes him look like a saint.

Below is a list of things to look at if you think yourself, or someone you know, is in a psychologically abusive relationship.

  • Humiliation, degradation, discounting, negating. judging, criticizing:
    Does anyone make fun of you or put you down in front of others?
    Do they tease you, use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you?
    When you complain do they say that “it was just a joke” and that you are too sensitive?
    Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings are “wrong?”
    Does anyone regularly ridicule, dismiss, disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?
  • Domination, control, and shame:
    Do you feel that the person treats you like a child?
    Do they constantly correct or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate?”
    Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even small decisions?
    Do they control your spending?
    Do they treat you as though you are inferior to them?
    Do they make you feel as though they are always right?
    Do they remind you of your shortcomings?
    Do they belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, your plans or even who you are?
    Do they give disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior?
  • Accusing and blaming, trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations, denies own shortcomings:
    Do they accuse you of something contrived in their own minds when you know it isn’t true?
    Are they unable to laugh at themselves?
    Are they extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of them or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
    Do they have trouble apologizing?
    Do they make excuses for their behavior or tend to blame others or circumstances for their mistakes?
    Do they call you names or label you?
    Do they blame you for their problems or unhappiness?
    Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?
  • Emotional distancing and the “silent treatment,” isolation, emotional abandonment or neglect:
    Do they use pouting, withdrawal or withholding attention or affection?
    Do they not want to meet the basic needs or use neglect or abandonment as punishment?
    Do they play the victim to deflect blame onto you instead of taking responsibility for their actions and attitudes?
    Do they not notice or care how you feel?
    Do they not show empathy or ask questions to gather information?
  • Codependence and enmeshment:
    Does anyone treat you not as a separate person but instead as an extension of themselves?
    Do they not protect your personal boundaries and share information that you have not approved?
    Do they disrespect your requests and do what they think is best for you?
    Do they require continual contact and haven’t developed a healthy support network among their own peers?
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There are both short and long term effects that result from Psychological abuse:

Short Term

  • Surprise and confusion
  • Questioning of one’s own memory, “did that really happen?”
  • Anxiety or fear; hypervigilence
  • Shame or guilt
  • Aggression (as a defense to the abuse)
  • Becoming overly passive or compliant
  • Frequent crying
  • Avoidance of eye contact
  • Feeling powerless and defeated as nothing you do ever seems to be right (learned helplessness)
  • Feeling like you’re “walking on eggshells”
  • Feeling manipulated, used and controlled
  • Feeling undesirable

Long Term

  • Depression
  • Withdrawal
  • Low self-esteem and self-worth
  • Emotional instability
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Physical pain without cause
  • Suicidal ideation, thoughts or attempts
  • Extreme dependence on the abuser
  • Underachievement
  • Inability to trust
  • Feeling trapped and alone
  • Substance abuse

This is not a fun list at all, and can completely destroy someone. I strong capable man or woman can become a person that is barely existing. It can take years or a lifetime to overcome these problems if at all. So if you know someone that is going through this, just be there for them, and make sure that they know it’s not their fault, they’re not to blame. Help them be themselves, but for goodness sake, don’t belittle them, please.

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